Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
