atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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