I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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