Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
They have beer where we have blood.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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