apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
