the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
