i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
