on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
