i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
