awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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