I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
