allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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