I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
3 2 1 whiskey
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
