I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
