if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
operation have a gay friend backfired
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
