So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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