Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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