I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
