I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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