You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
