Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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