and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
