I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
