Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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