Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
