You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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