Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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