Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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