i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
