My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
