Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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