....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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