Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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