If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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