Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
