I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
