no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now