I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
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next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.