one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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