So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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