Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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