My first STD was from a foam party
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
