I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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