i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
