I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
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You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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