tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
