dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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