my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"