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Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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