ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
