The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
