Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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