Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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