you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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