Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
