omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
