i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
