Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
