Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
