Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
